The big favor FOMO can do for you

The annual transition between Summer and Fall offers an opportunity for two actions: to reflect on the year and to identify how to spend the last three months of it. Are you pleased with your year so far? Are you well on the way toward accomplishing the goals you had in mind? Or, did you miss out on something you would have liked to do?

If the reflection brings to mind what you missed out on, you might suffer from FOMO: Fear Of Missing Out

In the five-minute video, Dan Ariely, Duke University Professor of Psychology and Behavioral Economics, shares what FOMO is and how is causes regret.

He explains so clearly how we are affected when we barely miss our goals versus when we are off by a long shot. You might be surprised which one we prefer, according to the research.

Usually FOMO is discussed in very negative terms. It does spark regret afterall. But, it can do do something great for us too. The big favor FOMO delivers is the opportunity to change. If the only time you ponder what you're missing is when it's too late, you'll miss opportunities to change.

If your Facebook feed is full of friends' posts about their summer vacations to Europe, and you wish you had made time for one, make time now. Can you still take a trip this year? Or, plan one into 2017 before it fills up too. If you can't fit one in this year and you don't want to plan around one next year, then ask yourself if you really want a European trip.

It might turn out that you don't have FOMO. You have NFM instead: Not For Me. I just made that up, and it means you can be glad your friends had those trips but you don't want one. Obviously, there would be no need to tell them that. It's just for you to use to re-frame how you viewed your Facebook feed.

From now on, when you feel FOMO, pay attention to it. You might decide you really do what to do whatever is causing the feeling, so you make it happen. Or, it might turn out that you are content to skip it. Either way, you will decide. And, that is the favor of FOMO.

Dog poo in the living room

Every morning at about 6:00, I get the pleasure of taking Miles, the greatest dog in the world out for his “morning constitution.”

As you might expect, there is a routine involved and it is rarely altered. Miles and I go out the front door, down the front walk, around to the back of the house, along the woods, then into the high field where business is done. Miles leaves “pee mail” at various trees and bushes along the way to keep in touch with the other pups and small animals in the area who have a similar routine.

Yesterday began like any other day. Miles led the way out the front door, down the walk, around to the back, along the woods, but then he froze. He would not go into the field with the high grass. He just looked at me with an expression saying, “I’m not going in there.” Then he turned and walked back to the house the same way we always return.

I knew what threw Miles off his morning routine: deer. A mother deer and her two little ones have been living in the woods behind the house, and they have come out to our yard and into the field back there. Miles had seen them from the deck, so his senses were on high alert.
Miles was calm when we returned to the house. It was 6:30 on Sunday morning, so I went back to bed. About fifteen minutes later, Miles was running through the house. He scampered through each room, up and down the hallway, and all around. Of course, I got up to check on him, but nothing was amiss. He didn’t whimper, there was no thunder, and no one was knocking on the door. I returned to bed for about an hour.

When I got out of bed to start the day, Miles didn’t greet me like he usually does. I knew something was amiss now. When I reached the living room, I could smell something amiss, then I saw the mess. Luckily, the mess was not big and it was easy to clean up. A quick cleaning and the rug was like new. But, Miles felt terrible. He had a guilty look on his face and he clearly felt bad for his unusual behavior.

My husband, Bob, and I spent several minutes reassuring Miles that he was a good boy. We knew he did not need punishment because he had never done this before. He was punishing himself enough. He needed empathy from us. We were happy to offer it. His demeanor returned to normal later in the day, and all was well.

Until this morning.

I awoke around 6:00am to take Miles outside. We followed our traditional routine: out the front door, down the walk, around to the back, along the woods, over to the field. Just like yesterday, Miles stopped. He would not enter the field. I even tried to nudge him in there to take care of business, but he would not go. We had been out for a while, and I had to get ready for work, so we returned back to the house.

But, today, I did not assume Miles was fine. After all, he still had not handled his morning business. Bob took Miles out for a walk in a different area, which is part of their morning routine, and business was handled. When I left for work, the rug was fine. Oh, Miles and Bob were fine too.

What strikes me about the living room poo experience is how routines get altered. Although Miles and I have the same routine each day, we have different experiences in that routine. He was afraid of the deer, I was not. I assumed he would feel the same way I did, and I dismissed his feelings. My assumption contributed to the poo on the rug.

Doesn’t the same thing happen at work? Of course, there’s no poo on the rug here, but there are consequences when we assume things about each other or overlook other’s experiences. Do you ever assume people think the same way you think or feel the same way you do about the same experience? We take each other for granted, then mistakes happen or time-consuming C.Y.A. takes over communication.

One other thought to ponder was the forgiveness for the error. Miles does not poo in the living room all the time, so we did not need to punish him or instill new rules. We needed to learn from the mistake and set him up for success next time. How good are people at doing that for colleagues? Or, are we better at blaming them and holding a grudge?

Pay attention to routines, what alters them, and how others feel about them. And, forgive people when altered routines cause errors. Keep your senses on high alert so you can set people up for success, and you won’t miss the signals that poo is on the way.

Who is driving?

A chauffeur-driven Town Car sped by me on the way to work today. I wondered who was being driven, where they were going, what filled their day’s agenda, and what their lives were like. I also wondered about the driver: who was he, what was on his day’s agenda, what his life was like. The person who directed where the car goes is in the back, but the person who knows the route to get to the desired destination is driving in the front.

Which of those two jobs is harder?

On most days, it is probably more difficult to be the driver, right? The drive has to:

• Know route options
• Anticipate traffic or construction
• Choose which route is best
• Reacting when something unexpected happens
• Keeping the car prepared for the trip
• Keep all passengers safe
• Know and follow the laws
• Be nice to the passengers

The passenger who gives the final location has to:

• Know where the car should end up
• Pay the driver’s fee

So, it looks like the driver has the harder job. But, what does it take to know where the car should end up? There’s more behind the scenes for the passenger than randomly picking a location, right? When you think about it, who is driving whom?

Obviously, both roles are important and both people only succeed when they work together. The driver has nothing to do if no one wants to go somewhere. The passenger has no way to get where they want to go if there is no driver. One is not more important than the other. They are just different. They need to respectfully rely on each other.

None of us likes a backseat driver. When you are the passenger, know your destination and let the driver do his job. Micro-managing will not help the driver or your trip. Likewise, passengers do not like a driver who questions, judges, or doubts our destination. Remember, sometimes each of us is a driver and sometimes each is a passenger. Know your role.

What about those solo trips? Sometimes we travel alone and have to know the destination and how to reach it. If we don’t set our own destination and route, we end up following others or roaming aimlessly, which makes accomplishment and any sense of success unlikely.

Whether you are the driver or the passenger, support everyone who’s along for the trip. The mutual support makes the journey more enjoyable and the destination more meaningful.

5 Simple ways to get a grip

Do you ever have days that you’re so harried and need to get a grip? Usually during times like that, simplicity flies right out the window. Sometimes it feels like it flies out the window right after our sanity.

Snickers had a commercial during the Super Bowl last year that captured the sentiment. The nice guy turned in to a Joe Pesci character when he was not himself. The solution was to have a Snickers candy bar and he would be back to himself in no time.

The fact is, some days are just busier, more booked, or more stress-filled than others; however, we don’t want to eat chocolate every time. (Right?!) Here are five simple actions that can help you slow down and recover during high-pressure days:

1. Breathe. Use the 10-5-10 technique: breathe in for a slow count of 10, hold it for a slow 5, then release it to a slow count of 10. Slowing blood flow and breathing puts you in control physically. If it doesn’t work once, do it again. It only takes 25 seconds, so do it as many times as needed.
2. Take a break. Rushed and rattled is no way to make an important decision or engage with others. Walk outside; get fresh air for a fresh perspective.
3. Be grateful. In the midst of a stressful time, jot down as many things you’re grateful for as possible. Set an alarm for one minute and start writing. This is a fun exercise that changes moods by changing focus and reminding of priorities.
4. Identify the good. When you need to get a grip quickly, think about something positive about the situation you’re in. It could be a learning opportunity, or a chance to interact with someone you don’t know well yet, or a chance to show your skills in a new way. There’s usually something good even in the midst of stressful situations, so look for it when you need to get a grip.
5. Recognize an accomplishment. When there’s uncertainty, think of something that began the same way and turned out well. Once you remember working through a similar circumstance, you can focus on working through the current one too.

Everyone feels rushed and ragged once in a while. Use these steps to get a grip so the heightened emotions don’t lead to poor decisions, hurt relationships, or damaged reputations. And, remember, everyone has days like that, so be patient when someone around is having one.

Creatures of habit

We’re all creatures of habit regarding one thing or another, right? We can repeat the same behavior for months, years even, without a second thought until something unusual happens. My father had one of those habit-altering events recently.

Like many of us, my dad is a creature of habit regarding his morning routine. He goes to Wendy’s for breakfast every day. He goes there because the coffee is free and his oatmeal bar is only a dollar. If he had to spend more than $1.07 on breakfast, he would be devastated! (only a slight exaggeration)

Yesterday morning really threw off his routine. Wendy’s was closed at 7:00am. They were closed because of a power surge or something like that. I laughed when he told me about it because their service is always terrible. They often don’t even have coffee during the breakfast hours, which is the bare minimum of service at that hour, don’t you think?

Anyway, yesterday my dad had to go to McDonald’s instead. His bill was $1.67, and he learned something valuable for that additional $.60.

As he dined in a section away from the front registers and employees, my dad saw a man ride up to the restaurant on his bicycle and park it near the back entrance. The man looked to be around sixty years old, was wearing torn shorts and a t-shirt, and was sweaty from the ride. He came inside and stopped at the trash receptacles near the door, then stuck his hand inside and pulled out a large soda cup. The man took the used cup into the restroom where he must have rinsed it out. He emerged from the restroom and filled the used cup with a beverage at the self-service counter.

 

At first my dad was outraged. Well, that is an exaggeration. He was miffed. Who would take a used cup from the trash? As my dad watched the man gulp his drink then leave, his view changed.

The man was not trying to rip off McDonald’s. He did not have a sense of entitlement. He was struggling. And, he was thirsty.

My dad’s view of the man changed as he watched him. My view of the man changed as my dad told the story too. I was less than sympathetic at first. I jumped to conclusions about the man based on two things: he stuck his hand in the trash and refilled a used cup. Did you jump the way I did? You probably also realized the point isn’t that the man used a cup from the trash but that he was thirsty.

How often do we jump to the wrong conclusions about people and judge them negatively?

My dad realized his tendency to do that when his daily routine was broken up. It got my attention when I heard the story. Hopefully it hits home with a few more folks who hear it too. Perhaps we all could benefit from breaking a few of our own habits and seeing people differently.