LBOM Recap #42: Self-Deception, Trust, and Culture Signals Leaders Can’t Ignore
The hardest person to lead is the one in the mirror.
That was the central theme of the August Leadership Book of the Month discussion as we explored Leadership and Self-Deception: The Secret to Transforming Relationships and Unleashing Results by The Arbinger Institute.
Why this book matters now
Leaders today face enormous pressure: fast-moving change, hybrid workplaces, shifting expectations, and shrinking margins for error. It’s easy to slip into blaming others when results aren’t where we want them.
Arbinger reminds us that the true barrier isn’t “out there”—it’s self-deception. When we justify our own behavior instead of owning it, we stop seeing others as people with needs and hopes as real as our own. Relationships fray. Culture erodes. Results stall.
Key Points of the Conversation
Self-betrayal → self-deception
The book shows how when we fail to do what we know we should—help, acknowledge, appreciate—we betray ourselves. To ease the discomfort, we create justifications. Over time, this erodes trust.Collusion cycles
When we assume someone is withholding or difficult, we treat them with suspicion or defensiveness. They react accordingly, confirming our original judgment. The cycle reinforces itself until relationships break down.Seeing people as people
Arbinger frames the danger of objectifying others—as obstacles in our way, as vehicles to get what we want, or as irrelevant altogether. When leaders fall into this trap, accountability and collaboration disappear.Trust as the starting point
Bret shared a story of telling a prospective client, “I’d rather have your trust and respect than your business.” Starting with trust changes everything. Without it, relationships become transactional and fragile.
Tie to Leadership and Culture
The conversation reminded Kelly Byrnes, the host, of a time she noticed a company’s landscaping looked drastically different than usual—minimal compared to prior years and disorganized. It signaled to her that something deeper was going on. When she reached out, the CEO admitted to cultural struggles inside. That conversation launched an engagement that led to a significant re-engagement among the senior leadership team there.
The lesson? Just like self-deception, culture problems often show up indirectly. If we’re willing to look honestly—at ourselves or our organizations—we can spot early signs and make meaningful change.
Who this book is for
This isn’t just for CEOs or senior executives. It’s for:
🟦 Leaders who find themselves often thinking, “Why won’t they…?”
🟦 Teams caught in blame cycles.
🟦 Anyone ready to take ownership of how their mindset shapes relationships.
The common thread in repeated frustrations may not be “them.” It may be the stories we’re telling ourselves.
What’s next
🟦 If you missed the conversation, you can watch the replay on LinkedIn or YouTube.
🟦 You’ll also find a free Reflection Guide on our LBOM page (free, no email required).
🟦 Mark your calendar: September 25, 2025 we’ll explore Adam Grant’s Hidden Potential: The Science of Achieving Greater Things. Details about joining us are on the LBOM page. Check it out and join the conversation on LinkedIn or YouTube.
Because the leaders of tomorrow invest in themselves today.